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Stop Comparing Yourself To Others And Focus On You -- Here's How

This article is more than 8 years old.

When I met with a mentee recently, she looked sad and a bit depressed. When I asked her if anything was wrong, her shoulders sagged lower, and she said was feeling like a failure in her career and her life.

I was surprised by her comment because the last time we had spoken (a few months prior), she had been excited to share with me that she had received a pay raise, been given a leadership role on a new project in her department and had even been recognized and praised by her boss for her outstanding work.

What had changed? Turns out, she had been reading a lot of social media posts by her friends. One had just been promoted to a management role and was now leading a team of people for the first time. Another had posted pictures of her first international business trip to Europe. One friend had just purchased her first house. Another had bought an expensive, new sports car. Two others had announced their engagements and one friend had gotten married and posted the pictures.

“I feel like such a loser,” she said, slouching lower in the chair. “Everyone else is doing amazing things with their lives. I want to be happy for them, really, I do. But it just makes me crazy when I realize how far behind I am.”

When I asked her what she meant about being so “far behind” her friends, here’s what she said: “I’m 28 years old and I still don’t have a management job. I haven’t traveled anywhere on business. I don’t earn enough to buy a house or condo, or even a different car. And I don’t even have time for a boyfriend right now, but it seems like all my friends are either getting engaged or married. This really sucks.”

Then she shook her head and rolled her eyes. “And if that isn’t bad enough, my high school reunion is this summer. Everyone’s going to be comparing their accomplishments and bragging about their jobs. Then I’ll really feel like a loser.”

My heart went out to her, because I remembered similar situations early on in my career, when I had done the same thing – compared myself to others. The difference was that, back then, we didn’t have social media. So I wasn’t bombarded with the accomplishments of my friends, like many people are who spend time on their social media accounts on a daily basis.

With age comes perspective (and hopefully wisdom), so I shared with my mentee some of the things I’ve learned, as I’ve grown older.

Comparing yourself to others’ accomplishments is a losing battle. There is an endless supply of people to whom you could compare yourself and your accomplishments, but, inevitably, you’ll always end up on the losing side of the comparison. That’s because there will always be someone who has done something that you wished you could also accomplish.

And, it will only take you down a never-ending spiral. Once you start comparing yourself to others, where do you draw the line? Do you compare only career-related achievements, such as job titles, compensation, number of direct reports, perks and benefits, business travel locations, or whether they have an office with a door or work in a cubicle? Do you compare personal accomplishments, such as who owns the most expensive car, the biggest house, got married first, went to the coolest place for their honeymoon? Comparing yourself to others can be like falling down an endless rabbit hole.

You are special, and not an exact replica of anyone else. Think about it. Even if you were the genetic twin to someone, you would have grown up with different experiences, different influences, different activities, ideas and thoughts. Your personalities wouldn’t be the same. Your likes and dislikes wouldn’t be the same. So why would your personal and career achievements be absolutely identical and accomplished at the same time? They wouldn’t. Try to begin seeing everyone, even yourself, as unique individuals.

Make a conscious effort to free yourself from comparisons. Practice celebrating your uniqueness and being proud of your accomplishments – no matter when in life they occur. Begin by creating a career development plan with goals and objectives; and then work toward accomplishing these at a comfortable pace.

And learn to celebrate the accomplishments of yourself and others. When a friend, family member or coworker shares an achievement, be genuinely happy for them. Instead of feeling jealous or inadequate, turn those feelings around and share in their excitement with heartfelt words of encouragement: “Congratulations! That’s wonderful news! Tell me about it.” And don’t forget to celebrate yourself. For example, if you love your job, share that feeling with others (such as at your high school reunion). If you’re excited about being asked to lead a project, focus on the joy and happiness that brings you and let it fill you with satisfaction.

Bottom Line: “Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.” ~ Anonymous

Lisa Quast, author of the book, Secrets of a Hiring Manager Turned Career Coach: A Foolproof Guide to Getting the Job You Want. Every Time. Join me on Twitter @careerwomaninc

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