I've been thinking a lot about apologies lately. We so often apologize badly, and then don't understand why the other person doesn't seem to accept it.
It seems to me there are two basic mistakes we make when apologizing, and both of them have to do with not really taking responsibility for having done something wrong.
The first mistake is when someone begins an apology by saying some version of "I'm sorry you feel that way." Though it SOUNDS like an apology (that word "sorry" is in there), it's really just a version of saying "too bad for you – not my problem." Genuine apologies begin (from my point of view) with "I'm sorry I…"
For instance, a customer service person could say, "I'm sorry you felt we didn't resolve your concern correctly." Or he could say, "I'm so sorry I didn't resolve your concern." I don't know about you, but the first one would really irritate me (I don't FEEL you didn't resolve my concern, buddy -- you didn't resolve it!!!), and the second would make me feel heard and – at least initially – satisfied.
The second problem occurs when the "apologizer" immediately starts explaining his actions. He or she may feel as though s/he's just offering clarifying data…but to the person on the receiving end, it simply feels defensive. I've noticed that good apologies come to a full stop after the "I'm sorry I/we..." The next sentence in the good apology then offers to do something to make it right, or asks what can be done to make it right: again, taking responsibility for correcting the mistake.
Feel the difference between these two approaches:
"I'm sorry you felt we didn't resolve your concern correctly, but I was just following our reservation procedures."
as opposed to:
"I'm so sorry I didn't resolve your concern. Let's figure out how to make this work for you."
The second person would have me as a loyal customer. The first one wouldn't. It's that simple.
