I've been enjoying reading David DiSalvo's blog here on Forbes lately. David is primarily a science writer with a friendly, populist voice. Today I read his post The 10 Reasons Why We Fail. I noticed that none of his reasons are about external forces: he very accurately offers ten different ways our thinking leads us astray. When I finished the post, my immediate mental summary was:
We fail when we act based on our own negative and limiting thoughts.
This may seem like a simple, even simplistic sentence, but if you can apply the understanding behind it to your daily life, the impact can be hugely positive. First of all: you know you talk to yourself all the time, right?
Pretty much everyone has a continuous stream of internal monologue running in their head, like the crawl at the bottom of the TV screen. Some of it is pretty benign (hot day that guy needs a haircut ooh big nose what was i supposed to remember? these shoes hurt...), but some of it is downright nasty (you're stupid can't you ever get it right what makes you think you can do that that guy's out to get you everybody thinks you're...)
Unfortunately, we're largely unaware of it AND we tend to believe all of it. So when that interior whisper says "Start you own business? That's stupid. Nine out of ten business fail in the first year. What makes you think you could do that? Lot smarter people than you have lost their life savings trying to be entrepreneurs..." We don't even quite hear the words, but suddenly, starting a business seems daunting, hopeless, futile...we give up and stop even entertaining the notion.
Lucky for us, we can stop being dragged around by that negative, fear-based, limiting voice. We can actually change the way we talk to ourselves - and dramatically change the impact it has on us. Here's how it works:
Recognize: in order to change your self-talk, you first have to become aware of it. Next time you suddenly start to feel badly about something (demoralized, unclear, angry, sad), stop and listen to what you're thinking. I'll almost guarantee it won't be supportive or helpful.
Record: When you discover you're talking to yourself in an unhelpful way, write down what you're thinking. This may sound odd, but writing it down distances you from it, so that you can consider it objectively. Once, years ago, I was very nervous about an upcoming audition. I listened to my self-talk, and wrote it down: You'll probably blow this audition. You'll probably freeze up. I looked at it and realized that if another person had said that to me, I'd be offended - and I wouldn't listen.
Revise: Now we come to the heart of it. If you want to change how you talk to yourself, you have to find an alternative that's more supportive and that you believe. If you create self-talk that's too Pollyanna-ish and happy-happy, you simply won't buy it...and you'll default right back to your original negative self-talk. My revised self-talk, all those years ago, was I've prepared really well for this audition, and I don't generally freeze up in auditions - there's no reason I should do it now. Infinitely more supportive, and I believed it.
Repeat: Negative self-talk is persistent. Especially when it's something you've been saying to yourself for years. When it comes up again, just keep substituting your revised, more hopeful and accurate self-talk. Think of it as self-coaching, or as standing up to your internal bully, or as setting your mental record straight -- whatever works for you. The key thing to remember is: you don't have to accept and act on those limiting, negative thoughts.
I'd love to hear any experiences you've had with managing your self-talk....
Look for Erika's new book, Leading So People Will Follow, coming in October from Jossey-Bass.
Follow Erika on Twitter @erikaandersen.
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