BETA
This is a BETA experience. You may opt-out by clicking here

More From Forbes

Edit Story

The Art Of Online Apologies And Why Elizabeth Lauten Failed Miserably At Hers

This article is more than 9 years old.

This post was updated on December 1, 2014

Safe to say that Elizabeth Lauten does not like Malia and Sasha Obama all that much.

Or maybe she likes them, but she does not like their style. Or the faces they make during one of the most ridiculous of American holiday traditions (it's a low bar). Or their familyspecifically the role their parents provide in being role models. Or the apparent lack of class and respect.

Or the irritating way that they act like teenage girls. As if they are actually 13-year-old and 16-year-old teenage girls.

At the annual Thanksgiving pardoning of a turkey, performed by Barack Obama, The Most Powerful Man in the Free World (who has nothing better to do with his time than participate in this ceremony of officially pardoning a bird), the Obama daughters dutifully showed up for the cameras to watch as their Dad made terrible Dad-jokes on national television.

They smiled and nodded and laughed awkwardly, as if they were teenage kids who would rather be ANYWHERE but front and center on television as an entire nation watched their Dad make terrible Dad-jokes.

After seeing a similar photo to the one above, Elizabeth Lauten, the communications director for Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-Tenn.), took to her own Facebook to share her thoughts on fashion and demeanor of the Obama girls:

Dear Sasha and Malia, I get you’re both in those awful teen years, but you’re a part of the First Family, try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play. Then again your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department. Nevertheless, stretch yourself. Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar. And certainly don’t make faces during televised public events.

Just to recap for anyone else who is as completely baffled how a political communications director could commit such an offensive "social networking faux pas": The Obama girls showed up for a completely boring and useless press event, endure the silly parental embarrassment most of us only have to endure over the family dinner table, and they wore outfits. That are apparently scandalous.

So scandalous, in fact, that Elizabeth Lauten felt compelled to turn her personal Facebook into a Capitol Hill Burn Book.

No worries, the internet was quick to gently alert her to the errors of her ways. And by alert, I mean spew so much vitriol at her you would think that she just killed the last unicorn or defended a Kardashian or some equally horrifying act.

She has since deleted the status, set her profile to be private, and issued an apology:

Somehow, people have felt that this apology is not enough. The vitriol is getting worse.

Things are likely not going to be great for Ms. Lauten when she walks into the office on Monday.

There are plenty of other sites that will be commentating on the whole situation, dissecting and analyzing the updates and apologies, discussing the political ramifications of everyone down to poor Cheese the Turkey, who was just happy to not get his goose cooked on Thursday.

This is not about the assumed motivations and mindset of Lauten. I'm not going to waste time on all that. I think we can all agree that when you write about a 13-year-old and a 16-year-old, calling them classless and telling them they look like they belong in a bar, you are simply not being a nice person.

It is about the apology that she issued.

We're gonna use the term apology loosely, because the problem with the apology that Lauten issued is this:

IT WAS NOT AN APOLOGY

I get it. This is the internet. We're all  fast and furious at our keyboards, with the sinfully seductive appeal of immediately publishing our innermost thoughts for the world. We say things we regret. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but as soon as the trolls come screaming at your back door, you know you have done something you are going to have to be held accountable for.

When we do this, there is one simple statement that each and every prepared statement MUST include:

I'm sorry.

Not the "I'm sorry" Lauten stated at the end, to those she has hurt and offended.

First and foremost, to honestly offer an apology, one needs to suck up their ego and political leanings and any other baggage they are carrying.

Secondly, an apology needs to acknowledge the person (or people) who really deserves to hear the apology, and address them directly.

How does this change Lauten's statement?

Simple.

Instead of apologizing for a post about Malia and Sasha Obama, Lauten needs to treat them like they are human beings deserving of her compassion and respect, rather than puppets to dance around in political battles.

Her previous statement:

I wanted to take a moment and apologize for a post I made on Facebook earlier today judging Sasha and Malia Obama at the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony:

When I first posted on Facebook I reacted to an article and I quickly judged the two young ladies in a way that I would never have wanted to be judged myself as a teenager. After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents, and re-reading my words online I can see more clearly just how hurtful my words were. Please know, those judgmental feelings truly have no place in my heart. Furthermore, I'd like to apologize to all of those who I have hurt and offended with my words, and I pledge to learn and grow (and I assure you I have) from this experience.

A better apology:

I wanted to take a moment and apologize to Sasha and Malia Obama for a post I made on Facebook earlier today judging them at the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony:

When I first posted on Facebook I reacted to an article and I quickly judged the two young ladies in a way that I would never have wanted to be judged myself as a teenager. After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents, and re-reading my words online I can see more clearly just how hurtful my words were. Please know, those judgmental feelings truly have no place in my heart. Furthermore, I'd like to apologize to all of those who I have hurt and offended with my words, and I pledge to learn and grow (and I assure you I have) from this experience.

All the same words. Rearranged.

The first apology is what people who have been caught say. It carries this hard-to-shake implication that you are not REALLY sorry you did it you are instead sorry that people are outraged by it.

The second apology is what people who truly feel badly about what they have said or done say. It carries the personal connection that says "I am a person, you are a person. In this situation I didn't treat you as an equal, and that is not okay."

Granted, the chances that Lauten knows the Obama sisters and chats with them frequently is unlikely. Yet if she is willing to "call them out" on the internet like she would a friend in a bar bathroom, she needs to extend the same familiar tone in her apology.

The second apology still has its many flaws, including apologizing to those you have hurt and offendedagain, implying she is not sorry she said it, but instead sorry that people are hurt and offended. Like those judgmental feelings MIGHT still have a place in her heart, she just won't share them so publicly in the future if people are going to be so cranky about it.

Shoot. Maybe that is how she really feels, and it was exactly the tone she was going for. If so, mission accomplished.

I'm an optimist. I prefer to believe she is a person with a Facebook account that spit a thought onto the internet without thinking of what she was really saying and how it might affect the girls.

We've all been there.

For Lauten, and anyone else who gets caught online saying something they wish they could take back (it's the internet, you can NEVER take it back, muahahahahahaha), just remember this simple rule when issuing your public statements:

Treat the people you are apologizing to as if they are actual people, not pixels on a page. Say "I'm sorry" directly to them, acknowledge it was poor behavior, and promise to be better next time.

Then, make sure you do just that.

UPDATE: Elizabeth Lauten resigned from her position as Communications Director for Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-Tenn.) on Monday, December 1, 2014.

Follow me on Twitter or LinkedInCheck out my website