“You will do as I say!” my investor screamed at me. When I was younger, I influenced him to invest $10 million into my startup business. I was looking to raise another $5 million.
Now, on a long-distance phone call from his China office, he asked for a board seat. “No,” I said. I pushed back because I didn’t want to lose control of my baby.
I missed the need in his culture for him to keep face with his staff on our call. I came off as lacking respect. I wish I said I’d think about his request -- and in private consider my options.
I heard his long distance fury. He soon pulled out of new funding during a crucial time for us. If I was more adept back then at listening for cultural nuances, my strategic choice to communicate would nail the deal, keep him happy and retain control.
I won’t miscall like that again and now use extreme sensitivity to nuances in all communication. How I communicate now is one of my strongest assets because I parse words, emotions with precise care and climb into the other persons Cole Haan’s.
Many leaders mar communication like a bear striking its trembled prey. In a recent survey by the tech company Domo, there was a huge disconnect in how CEOs thought they were communicating and what their employees experienced. Only 10% of CEOs admitted to using fear as a motivator—yet executives in those same companies said fear was the number one motivational tool of these CEOs! And, as a result, 46% said they felt the need to massage and manipulate data to so it looked good before sharing it with their CEOs
To avoid losing your message with mistakes, consider your audience and your desired outcome. Follow these steps before you speak—whether you’re at the podium or—your conference room table.
Study The Masters. What do Michael Jackson, Steve Jobs, John F. Kennedy, Barack Obama and Joel Osteen share? They are great communicators. Info exchange like this equals power. If you want to increase your personal and professional power and lead your team, your business and your relationships to new heights, then put down your electronic cigarette and get ready to receive some messages and get them in action.
Focus Like A Brain Is In Your Hands. Know what you want to communicate before your lips twitch. My father Stan is a retired brain surgeon. He shared with his patients the right mix of substance wrapped in a calm, sympathetic empathy so he could save their life. That helped them absorb what he had to say, and elect to put their life, their trust with him.
Be just as focused in your own message, back it with your own incisive points and genuine emotion if you want to be seen, heard, and felt.
Flip To The Right Frequency. Frame your message in the world view of your audience. Do they listen to Daft Punk or Ariana Grande? Is there a screenshot of their Portuguese water dog on their laptop? Do they wear Proenza Schouler fresh off the runway? Do they vacation in St. Bart’s and have the new iPhone 6S? Use metaphors that resonate and light up their neurology like a Christmas tree at night crowning Rockefeller Center.
Don’t just look at people’s shell. What are the key phrases they use? What matters most to them? What are their biggest passions? What do they fear? If you were to create a robot of them, what qualities would it have? But don’t just look at a person’s outside. Try to picture their inner self and connect with them soul-to-soul. Great psychologists like John Gottman and therapists like Virginia Satir are the perfect teachers to get sharper at understanding your listeners. Study their insights to power your abilities.
Discover the timeless advice that the world’s great thinkers, billionaires, writers and businesspeople have to offer.
Speak The “Loc”. If you don’t use the map of your listener, either verbal or nonverbal, you’re going to wreck yourself. I vacationed in Cancun alone a decade ago, and let loose with a bottle of Chivas Regal. I found myself atop the stage at a club dancing with the go-go bunnies. Within moments, I was greeted by eight large bouncers who asked me what I was doing. I didn’t leave the stage. They started to grab me and I began to share whom I knew in the Bush administration, hoping it would help. It didn’t work. They couldn’t understand English. My next stop was being tossed on the cement sidewalk, where I got up and walked home bruised and amused. My frequency was clearly off. Had I learned the basics of their language I am sure I could have explained that I didn’t mean any harm and just having fun! But without being able to “choose” the right word, I got body slammed back to earth.
Consider: the messenger owns the communication. If the message isn’t received or understood, it needs to be said in a different way—or through a translator. Keep changing your messaging until they get it and hopefully before you hit a pavement near you.
Keep It Clean – And Elegant. You’re competing with Android and YouTube and you can’t win unless you are crisp and visually, tonally arresting. The average attention of a user is shorter than a goldfish at BurningMan. Lay out your ideas in the most efficient path. And look carefully to ensure you’re groked.
Emotional Truth Or Die. If you share with a heartfelt genuine intent, employees and customer will feel more comfortable, secure and committed. Feel the words before you speak, so your words match what you mean to feel and share.
Steve Jobs had that quality. He didn’t care what people thought: He got his message across. I remember bumping into him in an Indian restaurant in Palo Alto when I was a teenager. There was a powerful energy he emitted among his team. I saw someone who had magnetism, a way of connecting with people that was both genuine and electrifying. He gave off a sense of urgency and the tone that we were at a point in history that was important. They were on fire. That’s how people can feel when you want to excite them on a point that matters to you.
