Part 12 of a continuing series, which outlines how you too can be an appalling manager. Read part 11 here.
One of the things I've noticed about great bosses is that they are consistent in the way they treat their team. It's not just in one way, but in all. For instance, they are typically consistently fair, consistently level headed, consistently decent to people, consistently respectful, consistently encouraging etc. You get the idea.
I have had bosses who behaved this way and I adored them. However, this column is about how to be truly awful as a manager.
If you want any chance of achieving the status of the world's worst boss, then you must in no way be consistent. Instead, you should strive for what I call "self-contradictory inconsistencies."
I've seen it achieved by some real dimwits. It's not about smarts. It's about lack of decency. In fact, this may take anyone who is halfway respectful of others a little time to get the hang of. To help, here are some step-by-step pointers.
- Fawn over your favorite employees so they think they can do no wrong.
- Chastise your least favorite employees to the point where they believe they can do nothing correct.
- Once both, the favorite and least favorite, are used to this regime, quickly change and behave the opposite way to each. Without warning fawn over those whom you were chastising, and vice versa.
- Repeat with frequency.
If you keep doing this, then you can be sure that most members of your team will think you are irrational.
You can seal the deal though with a little extra effort. For instance, if timeliness is something important to you then try the following.
- Wait until there is a massive snow storm one day that delays people getting to work. If you live in a hot climate, wait until there is a disaster that achieves the same commuting delays.
- For everyone who is late to work, which might actually be everyone who works for you, you should write up a warning letter to them.
- Even if someone is only five minutes late you must give them the warning letter.
- Give each of the offenders a copy of the note and tell them that their performance is unacceptable.
- Tell each person that the note is going into their employee file.
- Don't actually put the note in their file, because doing so would document your bizarre behavior.
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Next day, come to work at least 90 minutes late to demonstrate that the rules don't apply to you.
Apply the lack of consistency to other things in your behavior and you'll be well on your way to being a serious candidate for the world's worst boss. For instance, buy yourself an olympic grade stopwatch to time coffee and lunch breaks etc.
More to come...
