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Sexism In Startups: The Frank Conversation We Need To Be Having

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“Hey G. I will not leave Berlin until having sex with you. Deal?”

That’s an actual email that tech entrepreneur, Gesche Haas, received earlier this year from a man she had met briefly the same day at a professional event.

This obviously inappropriate communication may seem like an unusual offense committed by a single person acting with compromised judgment; sadly, however, evidence indicates otherwise.

The problem is not just one of media-coverage-worthy harassment or explicit, demeaning sexualization; women in tech are often treated like second-class performers even when they are stars, targeted with repeated belittlement whose impact accumulates over time.

I’ve witnessed this firsthand.

On more than one occasion, I’ve seen female engineers – and even the female founder of a tech firm – referred to, and dismissed, as “booth babes” by people visiting their respective exhibits at conferences. On the floor of a tech show an award-winning executive can still be shamelessly dismissed as eye candy.

Likewise, when Marissa Mayer was appointed CEO of Yahoo , a “techie” I have known for quite some time (who later admitted to me that he knew little about Mayer or her accomplishments) remarked to me that “she must have slept with someone important” to gain her position. For a woman to lead a tech company, there just “had” to be some “explanation.”

Think this is unusual? In her recent lawsuit against Tinder, Whitney Wolfe claimed that she was stripped of her co-founder status because a male peer felt that that having a young woman as a co-founder “makes the company look like a joke” and “devalues” the company. It is bad enough that this might have been said at Tinder; it is worse that many people might actually believe the argument to be true.

I’ve heard engineers complain that an attractive female whom we were considering hiring would, if hired, be “distracting,” “harm productivity,” and “destroy team cohesion.” There is a reason that some have labeled today’s tech scene a “brogrammer” society.

Can one imagine the situation in reverse? Do we hear people questioning whether male tech CEOs “slept their way up” or dismissing attractive, qualified men at trade shows as “booth hunks?” Or worry that male engineers might distract female engineers? Does anyone ever consider that having an all-male founding team can make a company less likely to prosper? (Ironically, there are studies that indicate that this is, in fact, the case.)

Certainly, discrimination against women, and inappropriate sexualization and harassment, is not unique to the tech sector. Our society – across most industries – definitely has where to improve. And all of us – men and women – need to start having some serious conversations about righting this wrong. We would never tolerate demeaning behavior of this sort if it targeted people of a particular race, religion, ethnic background, or sexual orientation. It is truly a disgrace that in 2014 we still accept it vis-à-vis women.

That said, the tech industry presents a special problem. The combination of a disproportionate number of startups that lack human resources departments, tech’s high male to female ratio, the unusual number of men in powerful positions at ages at which they, or many of their peers, have just moved out of frat houses, along with other factors, creates an environment where sexism thrives. At times, there’s almost an expectation that women will be left out. Julia Pimsleur, CEO of the language-education firm Little Pim, recently shared with me an invitation that she received to a technology-related conference. Twelve speakers were listed; all of them male. I would not be surprised if the producers of the conference did not even notice. After all, this is hardly the first tech event with a men-only published speaker roster.

Sexism doesn’t only impact women’s emotions, productivity, and self image, or speak ill of our society; it harms careers and impacts our economy. A woman who objects to sexual overtures from a potential investor can literally lose her company, along with which our nation may lose many potential jobs. She may be discouraged from starting another business, or from pursuing other value-creating dreams. Women who have wasted valuable time and money attending dates scheduled by men under the guise of business meetings may pass up opportunities when approached by other males who they incorrectly assume are trying to “hit on them.” And, our whole society loses out when demoralization adversely impacts productivity of our workers and entrepreneurs, or scares talented people away from a profession in which they could have excelled.

Jennifer Graziano, creator of the television series, Mob Wives, recently mentioned to me that in the entertainment industry, also known to historically suffer from sexism, “attitudes are changing, and women are working in positions that were historically always filled by men. Women are gaining respect, and are serving as studio heads, top network executives, and power players.”

Contrast that with the tech sector.

In an era in which the technology industry is growing at a rapid rate and computer science should be an attractive discipline to study, the percentage of females among people receiving undergraduate degrees in the field has plummeted. Thirty years ago nearly forty percent of computer science degrees were awarded to women; today that number is under 20%, and, depending on how one measures, may be as low as 12%. As of a few years ago, there were approximately six times as many males as females taking AP Computer Science exams. It is not hard to discern that sexism and its offshoots are impacting girls’ career choices.

Groups like Girls Who Code, a non-profit organization that helps girls prepare for opportunities in computing-related fields, and others like it, might help steer things in the right direction; directing more women into tech should create a new normal with a lot less of a fraternity-like environment. Empowerment and peer support groups also help to produce more female role models for women entering the tech field. In my own specialty of cybersecurity, the Executive Women’s Forum provides a venue to help attract, retain, and advance women. These programs and groups are definitely needed.

But, ultimately, the source of the problem is not the lack of women entering the tech field; even if women continue to choose other professions at much higher rates than they do tech, the women who do choose tech deserve equal opportunity, to be judged based on their accomplishments, and to be treated with respect. There is no excuse whatsoever for the kind of behavior that continues to go on.

It is time that we stop pushing half our population away from the industry that literally creates the future.

We may not be able to eradicate sexism, but we can certainly dramatically reduce its impact in our society and profession. While there are many classes that train people on how to deal with overt and illegal harassment, it is the more subtle and often technically legal, yet extremely painful, sexism that many women in our industry face on a regular basis. So, here are six tips that I assembled with the input of several women who have had to deal with tech-industry sexism for years:

1. Realize that the demeaning of women is not a women’s issue. It’s a men’s issue. And we men need to address it. Most men aren’t sexists, and certainly don’t want to see women targeted with indignities. The sad reality is, however, that even those of us who would never tolerate overt harassment or any other illegal or crude behavior, don’t always notice when more subtle sexist activity occurs. It’s not because we mean harm; it’s just that we don’t know when or where to look, and are not conditioned to notice a problem that we ourselves have never experienced. We all know women who have been highly successful in tech, and it is easy, therefore, to incorrectly dismiss sexism as a problem of the past. We need to be cognizant of the problem, and understand that it is far more severe than we are predisposed to believe.

2. It is possible, if not probable, that after years of poor conditioning, many men exhibiting sexist behaviors might not even realize that they are doing so. So, let’s all be honest with ourselves on this point: Are we all applying the Golden Rule to our female colleagues – treating them fully as we would want to be treated, and as our male colleagues are treated? Imagining that the women involved are our spouses or daughters can help. How would we want them to be treated?

3. Do not tolerate sexism. Remember, it’s not just the “big things,” but the repeated subtle sexist interactions that inflict emotional pain. We cannot allow this to continue. And, it’s not just actions, but speech as well. People are entitled to their own beliefs, but we do not have to respect misogyny. Somehow, in our otherwise progressive nation in which racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and anti-Semitic remarks are routinely condemned in strong and decisive manners, all sorts of sexist comments are tolerated due to some spurious need to respect others’ opinions or traditions.  If we would not tolerate the comment if it were made about a particular racial or religious group, we should not tolerate it when it is made about women. Remember, oft-repeated statements impact the way people think and behave.

4. There is nothing wrong with expressing personal interest in a woman (if it weren’t for courting there would be no people), but be honest and upfront. Don’t schedule a “business meeting” that you intend as a “date.” Imagine working long hours on a tech startup or project, producing materials for a meeting with a prospective investor or customer, only to have that party ignore all of your work and focus interest on other matters, or even primarily on your body and appearance. Understand that many more women than one might guess have had such experiences – so be sure to convey your intentions either way. This may seem like common sense, or an act requiring no more than basic emotional intelligence, but, somehow, far too often it is not happening.

5. Encourage girls and women who are interested in tech to pursue their dreams. This isn’t a matter of pushing women into a field in which they have no interest; it’s a matter of ensuring they are not dissuaded by others, and that they are given the same opportunities as men to develop and nurture an interest in tech. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this approach is good for everyone.

6. Support those women who are taking a stand against sexism. It is important that people who have been harassed not be ashamed or afraid to come forward. They have done nothing wrong. Gesche Haas told me that while she received a lot of support for publicizing what happened to her, she also received quite a few negative comments. It is not “rocking the boat” for a woman to expect be treated as a professional.

When it comes to sexism, simple efforts can produce major changes. Let’s make them.

Follow Joseph Steinberg on Twitter at @JosephSteinberg