Why You Must Rethink How You Build Relationships In The 21st Century

The digitization of relationships has fundamentally changed what it means to build a network in the 21st century. Thriving in this era of confusingly rapid change and information overwhelm means embracing network literacy; the critical, counterintuitive skillset that helps individuals and businesses systematically build their networks.

When I emailed Scott Belsky, founder of Behance and creator of the 99u conference, to request an interview, he turned down the request with the following email:

I am actually quite the introvert and not sure that relationship building is my strength. I don't do many lunches or meetings, I dislike networking events, but what I do focus on is adding value to the projects of people I know, which has always yielded unexpected collaborations and benefits. [shared with permission]

I read the email with surprise.

How could a convener of the world’s top creative leaders not consider himself a networker?

Toward A New Paradigm of Relationship Building

This is the question that remained in the back of my mind as I interviewed dozens of the country’s top relationship builders and researchers over the last year.

Then, I noticed a pattern.

Many interviewees were hesitant to be interviewed at first. However, as I got to know them, I noticed that they had traits not typically associated with a ‘networker’.

What I’ve realized along the journey is that Scott’s response is not an outlier to be ignored. It is a signal to be paid attention to.

It is the signal for the beginning of a new era of relationship building with new rules.

Relationship building isn’t just another type of networking. In many ways, it represents the opposite values of traditional networking.

Why We're Entering A New Relationship Era

On January 9, 2007, Steve Jobs took the stage for what would be one of his most memorable keynotes.

Rumors had been circulating about a major announcement, and Jobs immediately confirmed them while heightening the anticipation, “Every once in awhile, a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything…”

Minutes later, he teased the audience by announcing three new products:

• Widescreen iPod with touch controls

• Revolutionary mobile phone

• Breakthrough Internet communications device

As I rewatched the video, I could feel the disappointment and confusion of the audience, “An iPod with touch controls? What’s revolutionary about that?”

At the same time, a slight smirk from Jobs hinted he was up to something. Seconds later, he revealed the secret, “Are you getting it? These are not three separate devices. This is one device. We are calling it….iPhone!”

Such was the beginning of the smartphone era.

Just today, I used my iPhone to check the weather, update my Facebook status, listen to an audiobook, watch Youtube, pay for tea, surf the Internet, check email, and listen to iTunes. And, of course, make a few phone calls.

Digitizing the phone didn’t just mean a better phone. It meant its reinvention. The same has been true of every other industry that has been digitized including relationships.

The digitization of relationships is occurring because more and more communication is taking place digitally.

Communication is what relationships are made of. Without people being able to communicate, there are no relationships.

In this new world, the who, where, what, and why of communication has changed. We tweet, like, comment, share, SMS, and rate with photos, videos, and text from from the beach on our vacation to the office and to places we’d prefer not to admit.

All these changes are important because relationships cut across every industry and every part of life. Relationships are a core element of human experience.

Professional Relationships In The 21st Century   

Hints on how relationships are evolving in the work context can be found in my experience as a Forbes contributor.

I wrote my first article almost a year ago to the day. I was extremely excited. At the same time, I was nervous.

I wondered, “How can I build a large audience who resonates with my writing when starting from scratch without any advertising budget?”

My only choice was to look at word-of-mouth as my main distribution channel. I set the goal of focusing on creating such high-value articles that my network would be proud to share it.

I deeply involved my network in each step of the article creation process:

Writing for Forbes collaboratively with my network is my answer to the digitization of relationships. And it’s working. Over the past year, I’ve written 20 articles that have been viewed over 700,000 times.

At the same time, I’ve never spent more time and energy connecting deeply with my network and supporting others in their personal and professional journeys.

We don't help each other because we’re being paid or because we want a favor immediately in return. We help each other because we value and care about each other as human beings and want a deeper relationship.

My model for writing is not unique to the publishing industry...

Social Production - A New Form Of Production In The Connection Economy

Yochai Benkler, a Harvard professor and author of Wealth of Networks, was the first individual to deeply understand that the essential economic implication of digitization is an entirely new form of production. He coined the term, social production, to describe it.

Benkler’s insight is that digitization has led to large numbers of people using their free time to coordinate with each other (often for no financial compensation) to create products and services.

As relationships become more digitized, social production deeply embeds itself into each part of our lives as professionals:

What does it mean when we live in a world in which more and more production is social production?

The Rise of Social Capital

The major implication is that the value of social capital in our professional lives increases dramatically.

In social production, people often use their cognitive surplus (non-work time) to create for nonmonetary reasons (ie - helping a friend, building reputation, making a difference, joy of creation/collaboration). As a result, the exchanges of value are less transactional and more relationship based.

In a world where anybody can publicly contribute to our reputation, share our content, connect us (new business partner, funding, employee, peer, vendor, etc.), support a crowdfunding campaign and contribute in other ways with the simple click of a button, we are more empowered than ever to receive value from and add value to our network.

Network Literacy - The Most Important Skill Set Of The 21st Century

Disruption in the relationship context is not a pretty or easy process. It forces us to challenge deeply held beliefs about what works and what doesn’t. It blurs lines (ie - professional and personal), creating awkwardness as different worlds collide.

Embracing network literacy in the 21st century means confronting the new reality and embracing a core set of principles:

• Build a values system that is more social and less transactional.

  As the worlds between personal and professional blend, building friendships professionally means treating people more like friends and less like contacts.

• View micro-interactions as a new, valuable dimension of relationship building; not just shallow and meaningless.

  Liking, sharing, commenting, voting, reviewing, and tagging are all valid parts of real relationship building.

• View social software as a form of productivity; not just a distraction.

  Increasingly, social software doesn’t just mean social media. More and more software categories are incorporating social elements as a core feature. At the same time, when usage turns into addiction, it hurts us professionally and personally.

• Share content as a vehicle to build relationships; not just to share information.

  By sharing one’s story and gifts authentically, relationships are accelerated.

• Always be investing in social capital.

  One of the most surprising and significant discoveries in science is the power of relationships in all areas of life and business. There is perhaps no better predictor of health, happiness, professional success, and business success. Relationship building isn’t just a means. It is an end in and of itself.

• Build both a large, diverse network of consequential strangers and small, deep network of kindred spirits.

  As we go to a digital world, the balance of power has been democratized. Our main obstacle isn’t convincing the main gatekeepers of our industries (in my case as a book writer -  literary agent, book publisher, book stores). It is creating something that our tribes finds valuable and share. Therefore, who is relevant professionally and who isn’t changes. Having a deep and wide network each serve unique and valuable purposes.

Looking To The Future

Marc Andreesen, the founder of Netscape and now a partner at Andreesen Horowitz (one of the top venture capital firms in silicon valley), wrote a very popular Wall Street Journal article in 2011 titled Why Software Is Eating The World. In it, he talked about how software was going into every industry, making it smart, and disrupting old norms.

The future may not just be software eating industries; it may be our ‘friends’.

Disruptions in any sphere create new winners and losers.

For centuries, Western society has celebrated the individual. Perhaps, we are at the beginning of a period where we celebrate what we do together; not alone.

Those who put the right people at the center of their lives, connect with them deeply, and support them with generosity will be the new winners.

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