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Three Real-Life Reasons Why Couples Fail At Retirement

This article is more than 7 years old.

Retirement is supposed to be a time of life that couples look forward to and relish in.  A time for them to fulfill the very things they talked and dreamed about as they struggled to raise children, worked diligently to establish their careers, and sacrificed to save and invest so that one day they could relax and enjoy everything they worked for.

However, for some couples, retirement can be anything but that.  All the hard work, sacrifice, and diligent effort can actually create emotional distance, ongoing arguments, and even thoughts about life apart rather than extra time together.

It’s the kind of retirement conversation nobody wants to have and that most people aren’t prepared to cover simply because it crosses professional boundaries.  Since there are mental, social, financial, physical, and even spiritual implications associated with a struggling relationship, couples can quickly feel overwhelmed by the variety of professionals and advice they may need to seek in order to try and remedy the situation.

One of the most surprising reasons why couples fail at retirement is because they aren’t prepared to suffer together.  I realize no one heads into retirement wanting to read an article or attend a webinar on “How to suffer together,” but it’s time for conversations like these to come out from the shadows and into the light.

Many couples have been programmed to believe a successful retirement is based on how much money they have saved or how many bucket list trips they have planned.  While that’s a great concept for a TV commercial or fancy brochure, a truly successful retirement together isn’t one without problems. It’s much more about a couple’s ability to overcome them… together.

It’s not unusual for couples to face a variety of headwinds the moment they accept the label of retired.  From outside influences including adult children, an aging parent, or a stock market crash, to more personal matters including weight gain, loss of identity, alcoholism, addiction, depression, back or other pain, and more.  Furthermore, declining senses may make one spouse more depend on the other as vision issues can inhibit their access to drive and see others while hearing loss can impact their ability to participate and enjoy social situations.

I’m not saying retirement is all bad, but I’m also not saying retirement is all good. Therefore couples need to understand both sides of the retirement equation and develop the emotional intelligence, resources, and outlets that will help them work through the challenges they’ll face.   In other words, they need to be flexible with their retirement goals and dreams, adapting as things change.  It’s equally important, develop coping skills and strategies that help them see the bright side of things and making the most of what they have instead of assuming the worst and bringing each other down.

Another often overlooked aspect of retirement actually doesn’t have anything to do with the time couples spend together, but has everything to do with their life apart.  Now I’m not talking about the big “D” but instead your social networks.

Social networks can be one of the biggest challenges for couples to navigate because one spouse often has a bigger network and desire to spend time apart than the other.  Additionally, that same person is usually the one who is taxed with coordinating social events for you as a couple.

That makes it important for couples to understand that time apart is essential to your ability to stay together.   Yes, coordinated outings and events with other couples are great, but they’re par for the course and should not be exclusively relied upon.  Deciding how much time you will spend apart and who you will spend it with is just as important as following a budget and savings withdrawal plan in retirement.

Simply put, you can’t rely on one person or thing to fill you up.  Therefore, if golfing or knitting with friends makes your spouse happy, it not only creates time for you to do what makes you happy, but provides regular opportunities for each of you to bring that joy back home and into your relationship.

The third reason couples fail at retirement is because of spiritual gaps and inconsistencies.  The harsh reality is, retirement only comes with one guarantee:  that you will die at some point during it.  Combine that with the fact that no one knows when that time may come, and it makes conversations about God, heaven, hell, and forgiveness a much higher priority.

Unfortunately, couples who struggle with a set of common beliefs avoid these conversations until something unexpected forces them to do so.  As a result, they may have some of the most rewarding discussions about life after retirement yet they may come at a time when only one spouse benefits from them instead of both.

While spiritual conversations may not be a common feature on the checklist a financial planner hands out, it doesn’t mean they aren’t important to your relationship.  Just as one of you may be worried about running out of money or paying for long-term care, spiritual concerns deserve the same time and attention as the more traditional retirement planning topics.  That may mean attending a workshop or retreat, talking to organizational leaders, and being open to ongoing dialogue.

Overall, I have found that couples who can find a common set of guidelines and standards with which to approach life and each other are well positioned to make a positive transition from work-life to home-life together.  Primarily because spiritual based groups and organizations tend to have built in mechanisms to address other retirement based issues, including opportunities for social outlets and resources for those facing a difficult time.

While these are just three of the many reasons couples can fail at retirement, they offer an eye-opening look at real life situations that can turn what’s supposed to be an ideal time for life together, into a constant struggle and battle to make things work.  By taking the time and energy to plan beyond the dollars and cents and develop a common set of spiritual beliefs, foster emotional intelligence to overcome common retirement heartaches, and have outlets besides each other, retirees can retire happily ever after.

Make sure you & your money are ready for retirement with our free & empowering guides, including How To Prepare Your Marriage For Retirement & More at RetirementProject.org