If you walk into a professional training gym, you’re likely to see mirrors on one or more walls. Whether it’s a gym for bodybuilding, martial arts, dance, or another physical performance activity, it’s helpful for participants to see themselves perform. First, the mirror is an aid to training, as performers can see when and how they are moving with proper form. Second, the mirror is a psychological aid, reinforcing a performance-driven self-image. I recall walking onto the floor of a training center for fashion models. There were mirrors everywhere, helping the participants look beautiful but also feel beautiful.
Imagine looking in a mirror once, twice, one hundred times. Over time, we internalize an image of ourselves—and that image becomes part of our identity. Much of self-concept and self-esteem begin with self-image. We experience ourselves as we see ourselves.
Relationships As Mirrors
An important theme in developmental psychology is that relationships act as mirrors. An infant is not born with a sense of self. That sense is acquired over the course of many interactions with others, especially caregivers. The child that is loved and nurtured internalizes those experiences and feels worthy of love. The child that is neglected or abused internalizes those negative experiences and later might find it difficult to accept love from others. Many of a parent’s interactions with a young child are of the variety, “You’re such a good girl!” and “Look how big you are!” Those mirroring statements form an important support for the developing sense of self when the brain is most plastic.
As a psychologist, I’ve worked with many high-achieving perfectionists. They often accomplish a great deal, but experience more than their share of stress and distress in the process. When outcomes are less than ideal—and in financial markets, that’s a near-certainty—there is plenty of room for second-guessing and self-criticizing. For the perfectionist, so much time can be spent focusing on the rear-view mirror of imperfect performance that opportunities are missed in the present.
Where does such perfectionism come from? More often than not, the self-critical adult was a child who received plenty of attention for his or her performances in school and extracurricular activities. Repeated experiences of being praised for good grades and successful performances, as well as experiences of not receiving support when results were less stellar, provide a kind of mirroring. What is internalized is the sense of being only as good as one’s performances. Conditional praise becomes a mirror that leads to conditional self-acceptance.
Later in life, many relationships become important mirrors, including those between managers and employees. By now, most of us are familiar with the statistics on the low average level of engagement expressed by employees. What do you think is mirrored to them by managers who spend little time with them, who focus on criticizing mistakes, and who demonstrate little commitment to their growth? One reason organizational culture is important is that it defines the amount and kind of positive mirroring among its members. If work relationships mirror frustration and negativity, those will be the feelings internalized employees.
Once you understand how relationships can serve as powerful mirrors, you’re well on the way toward appreciating how counseling and psychotherapy work. A good helping relationship provides fresh, positive mirrors to people stuck in negativity. One of my more challenging experiences as a young psychology intern occurred when I began work in a day treatment center. A young woman diagnosed with a psychotic disorder came to my office for her first session. Upon entering the room, she immediately began taking off all her clothes. How was I to respond to this? Set limits on her “inappropriate behavior”? Flee the room and avoid any possibility of a malpractice suit? Clearly those would mirror the kind of rejection she had dealt with all her life.
Fortunately I had reviewed her history before the session and was able to provide a different kind of response. With a soft voice I pointed out,“You’ve had too many men in your life who have taken advantage of you for sex. I don’t want to be one of those. I want to get to know you.” To my surprise, as well as relief, she immediately put her clothes on and began talking to me about her history of sexual abuse. A good therapist is a good mirror: if I can value her company and conversation, perhaps that starts her on the path of valuing herself as an equal.
The Mirror Principle
Let’s take another leap. We started with physical mirrors in gymnasiums and then moved to relationship mirrors. Now imagine that we have a relationship with everything that we do in life. Every one of our activities is a mirror, because each expresses a relationship that we have with some portion of our worlds. When we invest, we have a relationship with financial markets. When we exercise, we have a relationship with our bodies. Each activity is a way in which we experience ourselves. Over time, those experiences become a crucial part of our reality. Our sense of self is the sum of what we internalize from our activities.
You’ve no doubt heard the phrase, “You are what you eat.” The mirror principle suggests that we are always digesting life experience. When we decide who to spend time with and how to spend our time, we define the experiences that form our psychological diet. Just as a therapist is a good mirror, the right experiences mirror the best of who we are: our deepest strengths, values, and abilities.
One implication of the mirror principle is this: When we set our calendars, we define who we will be. The activities that populate each hour of our schedules are the sum and substance of how we’ll experience ourselves that day.
What kinds of mirrors do we select for ourselves? Over time, what do we internalize from our daily experiences? If we’re consuming life experience, how healthy is our diet?
In years of studying happy, successful, productive, creative professionals, I’ve found one consistent theme: people who lead fulfilling lives are unusually good at surrounding themselves with fulfilling mirrors. They grow in their caring and gratitude because they surround themselves with sensitive, thankful people. They grow intellectually and emotionally because they seek out new, challenging, stimulating experiences. They achieve by immersing themselves in the creative accomplishments of others. As psychology researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky emphasizes, the myth of happiness is that particular desired achievements or outcomes will lead to forever fulfillment. It’s the mirrors we choose, not any single images we latch onto, that fuel our ongoing joy and satisfaction.
The mirror principle says what we do defines who we are and how we experience ourselves. Whether you’re an abused young woman or a seasoned executive stuck in a mid-life crisis, your path to a new life begins by finding new mirrors.
