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Here's A Counter-Intuitive Way To Think About Buying Gifts

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While we’re scrambling around trying to find the “right” gift for people in our lives, recent research offers a different way to frame the challenge. Instead of always looking for something that accurately reflects the personality and interests of the receiver, try finding something that says something about yourself.

This is, of course, exactly opposite of how we normally think of gift giving. The study started by confirming that assumption by surveying hundreds of people online about their gift giving and receiving preferences. As expected, most people said they focus on the personality and interests of the other person when selecting gifts, and are accustomed to receiving gifts tailored to their interests. No surprises there.

But the researchers wondered if standard gift giving leaves out an emotional element that’s central to strengthening relationships: personal disclosure. We know that building intimacy between people requires more than an other-person focus–it also requires revealing more about oneself. Could choosing gifts provide an opportunity to strengthen interpersonal closeness?

The study tested the question in a few different ways. First the researchers went to a shopping mall before Mother’s Day and asked about 80 people to participate by changing how they selected a card for mom. Half the group were asked to choose cards that “reveals your true self,” and half were asked to find cards the way we normally do, that line up closer to their knowledge of the recipient. Afterwards, the group that bought cards that revealed more about themselves said they felt closer to their mothers than the group that bought cards the typical way.

In the next experiment, around a hundred people were asked to purchase musical tracks on iTunes for friends, relatives or romantic partners. Again half were told to choose music that revealed more about themselves and half were told to pick tracks that they thought were closest to the personalities and preferences of the recipients. This time the researchers contacted the recipients to gauge their reactions, and found that those who received musical tracks that revealed more about the giver felt closer to that person than the group that received music tailored to them.

The researchers conducted six experiments along these lines and found a consistent result: while people generally say they prefer to give gifts focused on the receiver, and prefer to receive gifts focused on them, they report feeling closer to the giver if the gift reveals something about that person. “Both givers and receivers report greater feelings of closeness to their gift partner when the gift reflects the giver,” the researchers wrote. The main emotional ingredient that makes the difference is disclosure.

The takeaway here is that changing up how you choose your gifts can help strengthen your relationships. While it still makes sense to choose most gifts based on the personality and interests of the receiver, selecting a few that say more about yourself can boost feelings of closeness and contribute more to relationship building over time.

The study was published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

You can find David DiSalvo on Twitter, FacebookGoogle Plus, and at his website daviddisalvo.org.

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