One of the most down to earth and helpful approaches to feedback that you should consider adding to your repertoire is one that I have taught to hundreds of managers in new manager courses: The Five Languages of Appreciation.
Originally developed for use with families, Gary Chapman and Paul White applied the Five Languages in their book, The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, to work. They argue that there are five key ways to express appreciation for your subordinates, or others in the workplace. There may very well be a sixth or seventh, but these five seem to cover 95% of the territory and, after all, five is a number that our minds can easily remember. The five ways of expressing appreciation are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Tangible Gifts and Physical Touch. Let me explain each briefly in turn.
Words of Affirmation entails saying words that let the person know they have done something valuable. However, just throwing out the occasional “Good work!” won’t suffice. If you want to be effective with words of affirmation, be specific. Just saying “Great job!” every time someone performs well will lose its effect over time, being a vague statement so easily used. Picking out a specific part of someone’s performance makes praise meaningful. Show that you were paying attention to what matters: “I know that those figures were challenging and complex. You did a great job of making them understandable.” or “I really appreciate the extra effort you’ve been making to coach the new employee; her accuracy has improved dramatically with your help.”
Quality Time entails listening to the person, rather than talking, and letting them express their ideas at length. In my experience, simply having coffee with the person and just giving them your undivided attention, something all too rare in this world, is a great way to reach those that desire Quality Time.
Acts of Service appeal those appeal who think, “Talk is cheap – why don’t you actually do something?” So, when my secretary is overloaded I might say, “Don’t worry about it; I see your swamped, I’ll do it myself.” Physically taking on a task, and perhaps alleviating that work from someone else, shows you recognize the amount of work they do and that you value them.
Giving Tangible Gifts is not about the cost of the gift, but is more of a display that you thought of the person and bought something you knew they would appreciate. Those that respond to Tangible Gifts are by no means necessarily materialistic – giving a gift could be as simple as bringing your office-mate the new muffin from Tim Horton’s, because you knew he wanted to try it. My mother appreciated receiving a postcard from my son when he travelled, even though she would see him before the postcard would arrive – it was the proof that he was thinking of her that mattered.
Finally, of the five, there is Physical Touch. In a family context, this makes perfect sense. At work, one must take considerably more care. For women, it is easier. For a man, rightly one must be careful. A high five, a fist bump, a two-handed hand shake are all generally acceptable in the Western world. In some cultures, Montreal for example, touch is more acceptable than in Toronto, which is only an hour flight away. In Montreal, men and women will often greet each other with a kiss on each cheek, something largely not done in Toronto. In the work place, simply placing your hand on a shoulder, or a pat on the back can resonate to those that respond to Physical Touch that they are appreciated, or doing a good job.
I have taught this idea to well over a thousand people, mostly managers. There is a fairly even spread over which of the five people tend to prefer. An important point is that that we tend to show the one of the five that we personally prefer towards others because it’s the one we’re the best at giving. The shortcoming is that if we wish to express appreciation to one of our people, it is best done in the language which they most appreciate receiving, for it will have the most impact. Therefore, as a good manager (and a good parent and spouse), I must learn to speak all five languages of appreciation in order to express appreciation in the way which is best received by the other person. A simple idea, but according to many of the managers I have taught, a powerful one. Once you are able to stretch yourself to be able to give feedback in all five ways, you’re also establishing that your company is a community of human beings, each one being unique and needing to be appreciated differently.
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