It's a fact of life that at a certain point as an athlete -- or as an artist, singer, dancer, musician, or anything else where many compete for few professional sports -- you're told you're no longer good enough. And no matter when it happens, it's a horrible feeling.
When it happens to your kid, it makes you feel even worse. I know this personally. It seems like nothing can prepare you for the moment when your child is told by some other adult that he or she is no longer good enough. I think this note I received recently from a reader and father (whose name I'll leave out) is a good example:
Bob, I'm in tears and don't know what to do. Long story short - my son has always dreamed of playing varsity football, and just found out today (entering his senior year) that he won't be playing (except in blow-outs like you describe). In past years there were kids older than him who were fantastic, so he knew he had to keep working hard and waiting his turn. Now he's been passed up for kids a year or two under him.
The crux is - this is his dream (not mine) and he is devastated. And my heart has never been more broken than to see him not achieve his dream. I've read your article - I know that no one gets everything they want. But it hurts so much. I don't know what to do.
I know already there are some of you thinking this is really some helicopter parent who probably should have told his kid a long time ago he stinks, and that you don't get a starting spot by just hanging around long enough. But I think there are more effective ways, that won't involve future resentment or therapy, that will help you and your child deal with the brutal finality of the end of an athletic dream.
1. Mourn with your child.
The moment your child tells you he or she has been cut or benched, that is not the time to wax philosophical about the way the athletic world works. If your child is crying, there's no shame in doing like the father above, and cry along. You don't have to shed actual tears. But this is your child, and there's nothing wrong with feeling bad for him or her at that moment.
2. Encourage your child -- and yourself -- not to make any immediate, emotional decisions.
Maybe your child who is benched wants to quit a sport. Or maybe you want to barrage the coach with questions about why your kid wasn't good enough and why you, coach, are so stupid not see the talent you just let go. I can't give you an exact, sufficient mourning period, but I would recommend everyone at least sleep on it. Especially before anyone emails anyone else.
3. After a cooling-off, ask your child questions -- and don't give him or her answers yet.
As a parent, you always would like to use your experience to help your child, and in many cases, that works. However, in this case, I would recommend asking your child some questions to help the both of you focus on the next step. The questions could focus on another activity -- what are other options for sports, or something else? Or maybe they are about dealing with a diminished status on the team -- do you still like being a part of the team? Do you feel like the sports is still preparing you for something else in life? The important thing is to listen, not just to what's said, but also what's not said. Your child will give you clues or what he or she might do next -- and succeed.
By the way, this is the step where things go much easier if your child has participated in and/or enjoyed many activities in the pursuit of being a well-rounded person. At the least, it means if, say, baseball didn't work out, there's always still the choir. I'm not saying your child is immediately jumping for joy over this prospect, but it's something. Also, if your child is well-rounded, it also helps you as a parent not to wrap up your whole identity in your child as a softball player only, or a football player only, or... you get the idea.
This also goes much easier the younger your child is. For one thing, he or she might not have gotten too emotionally invested yet in a sport. Also, he or she has time to pick another activity without anyone worrying so much about how far ahead others are. You also might learn, especially if your child is younger, that he or she is not nearly as upset about it as you are.
4. Guide your child toward the next step.
Once you've asked questions and listened to your child -- whose answers, depending on the circumstances, could take days or weeks, so you might have to be patient -- now is the time to step in and offer suggestions. Maybe they involved starting a whole new activity. Or maybe it's making the best of a bad situation while remaining on the team. When I say "guide" your child, I don't mean "tell him or her exactly what to do." I mean lead them to where they've hinted they might want to go.
Now there is a fine line between telling and leading, and here is where you can straddle it. Offer options in the form of a general statement, such as, "Staying on the football team, especially in light of such difficult circumstances, is something that would look good on a college application." Or, "you've always received more encouragement in theater than you did in sports -- maybe that's something to concentrate on while you figure out if you'd like to do any other sports." Or, "unfortunately, no matter what activity you do, sometimes working hard isn't enough. Sometimes that's the case in adulthood, too. The question is, how do you respond to the adversity? how do you recognize other opportunities that could be before you? And what can I do as a parent to help?"
I would love to say this four-step process guarantees that, in the end, parent and child are happy after the child is told he or she isn't good enough to start, or play at all, on a sports team. Recovery from such a declaration is never a clean and smooth process. But I think following these steps will make the process cleaner and smoother than it otherwise might be -- and allow the child, someday, to recognize that maybe not being "good enough" was a blessing in disguise.
