Years ago, divorce was something discussed in hushed tones, as if it were something terrible and scandalous.
Fortunately, divorce no longer carries as heavy a stigma –and that’s mostly because it’s so much more common than it used to be. With so many people having been divorced, who’s left to do the stigmatizing? Even if we’re not divorced, we all have friends or family members who have been through it . . . and what’s more, people who stay married aren’t always so satisfied that they feel they can look down on those who choose to divorce. (Divorced women are often surprised to find that some of their married friends actually envy them!)
As Abby Rodman points out in her recent article at betterafter50.com, we’ll all be better off when ingrained societal messages about divorce become more neutral than negative. Our cultural mindset needs to shift toward acceptance and the realization that divorce is simply something that happens to some couples. We don’t all have to be aboard the “conscious uncoupling” train, but we do need to fully understand that a woman shouldn’t be ostracized just because she’s getting a divorce.
If you are divorcing, or can sense it on the horizon, this is a very healthy perspective for you to adopt. Never feel that divorce brands you as defective or inferior. Think instead of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous words: “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Then, adamantly refuse to give your consent. (I know, I know . . . “Easier said than done,” you may be thinking, given the emotional roller coaster that divorce can be. To help you cope, I strongly recommend you include a compassionate therapist on your professional divorce team.)
As a Divorce Financial Strategist ™, I hope to broaden that new perspective even further, because being emotionally prepared and accepting of divorce is only part of the story. It’s also essential to be financially prepared, too, so that you come through divorce well-positioned for a secure future as a single woman.
How do you make this happen? Last month I wrote about four steps to being properly prepared to file for divorce: 1) having financial paperwork in order, 2) assessing your credit and opening your own bank accounts, 3) having sufficient funds and 4) assembling your professional divorce team. If you haven’t read that post, I encourage you to do so.
Today, I’d like you to think about laying the foundation even earlier. True preparedness requires a shift in another societal mindset –the one that says in marriage, men handle the money matters.
If that seems like antiquated thinking to you, then, great – you’re ahead of the game! All too often, though, it’s still common –even among Millennials –for husbands to handle big-picture finances, like investments, insurance, taxes, retirement savings, major purchases, etc., while wives govern the day-to-day spending and remain essentially in the dark about those more consequential issues. It’s time to make that traditional arrangement a thing of the past. Sure, you may find that divvying-up financial management tasks may be practical, but there should be nothing about the marital finances that you don’t fully know about and have complete access to. If that takes some educational catching up, then so be it. Get yourself informed.
Preparedness for divorce means having a solid grasp of what you own (your assets), what you owe (your debts), your income and your expenses. Boiled down, divorce is simply the legal division of marital assets and debts, and you won’t be able to make convincing arguments for a fair division of assets if you don’t know what they all are. Conversely, it’s easy to get stuck paying debts you’re not fairly responsible for if you didn’t know they existed.
Don’t find yourself having to ask a potentially hostile soon-to-be-ex-husband to please tell you what he’s worth, so that your lawyer can argue that you should get half of it. Bring yourself up to speed long before your relationship gets to that point –or, hopefully, to help ensure that it never does. Clear communication about financial matters goes a long way to keeping a marriage strong.
From your earliest days together, you and your spouse should be equal partners in your finances. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to sit side-by-side every time a bill needs paying. Few couples, especially with growing families, would find that reasonable! But do schedule regular sit-down discussions of your finances and long-term financial goals. One good suggestion is to do this quarterly, to coincide with investment earnings statements. The important thing is to choose a regular interval that makes financial and practical sense to you both . . . and stick to it.
If your marriage is beginning to dissolve, and you are considering divorce, then you need to take the concrete steps I outlined in my previous post, as soon as possible. In short: Make yourself copies of all marital financial documents. Check your credit score, and open bank accounts in your own name. Build up those accounts so that you can pay your professional divorce team, and get that team lined up.
Whether you think of divorce as “washing that man right out of your hair,” or “conscious uncoupling,” or anything in between, remember that it won’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and that above all, you’re not alone! Even more importantly, during your marriage, be a financially literate spouse. Financial know-how will serve you well in your marriage, as well as if you are ever single again for any reason.
_
Jeff is the author of the new book, Divorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally – What Women Need To Know About Securing Their Financial Future Before, During, And After Divorce.
All articles/blog posts are for informational purposes only, and do not constitute legal advice. If you require legal advice, retain a lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction. The opinions expressed are solely those of the author, who is not an attorney.
For further information, please go to our website or email Jeff at Landers@BedrockDivorce.com.
