Feedback is best when it’s not about you.
That all-too obvious thought came to me when I received some unexpected feedback that was even more unexpectedly negative. I won’t bore you with the details but the feedback was anecdotal and based upon work done a couple of years ago.
My first reaction was to dismiss it, even ignore it. Like the Marine officer, played by Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, I bellowed – to myself – “Feedback? You call that feedback!”
I am an experienced executive coach, I huffed silently. I not only give feedback. I write about it and even teach it. I even developed a process for how to receive feedback the right way. I call it A-C-T – accept, clarify, and thank.
Shame on me!
Here I am – a supposed professional and expert – acting anything but professional. I was guilty of doing the very thing I advise people not to do when they receive critiques about themselves or their work. I was acting defensively.
So I swallowed my pride and followed my own model. I accepted what had been told to me. I sought clarity about what had been said and why. And yes I thanked the person for his candor.
Feedback, as Marshall Goldsmith taught me, is a gift. Even when it smacks us upside the head like a two-by-four! Rejecting feedback without thinking about it is foolish. However unfair you may think the feedback is – and most often it is very fair – there is a grain of truth in it that is worthy of reflection.
As Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen write in Thanks for the Feedback (a terrific book on the topic, by the way):
“The strong feelings triggered by feedback can cause us to distort our thinking about the past, the present, and the future. Learning to regain our balance so that we can accurately assess the feedback is first a matter of rewinding our thoughts and straightening them out.”
Indeed receiving critical feedback does knock us for a loop; it upsets the equilibrium we have so carefully constructed about our abilities and ourselves. And so momentarily we reel, and often do not hear anything other than you are a failure.
So as, Stone and Heen argue, it is necessary to get back on track and rediscover a truer sense of our situation. Doing so will enable us to grow from the experience of receiving feedback.
Feedback is an opportunity to learn in two ways. One, you can learn how your actions are impacting others. This is the most difficult aspect for many of us to perceive. We are all comfortable in our own bubbles thinking that we are doing just fine. In fact we like to think we are great. And so much so whatever we do must be great. Even when we fall short.
Two, you can learn about yourself. How you accept feedback provides you with a window into self. Rejection out of hand is a sign of hubris. You think you are better than having to listen to others. Trust me, doing this is more dangerous than not listening to others because ultimately you are listening only to yourself.
Feedback is a gift certainly. And you know what? The feedback I received serves as a reminder that I need to keep an open mind about my work. I need to continue to develop my skills. Polish my act. And pay attention to others around me.
Ain’t feedback grand?
