Recently I was coaching a guy who mentioned that his wife is quite suspicious of men as a group (though she likes and loves him, fortunately). Generally when she meets men, he told me, she pretty quickly decides – based on her ‘intuition’ and a few observed words or interactions – that they’re not good people: arrogant, disrespectful toward women, unaware of their impact on others, not socially conscious.
I know there are men like that – I’ve certainly met some in my time. But it's not my experience of most men. I know there are some women like this, who see men – especially white men – as the ruling class; unconscious oppressors. Now, this belief isn’t entirely unjustified: I think many white men don’t understand the extent to which cultural assumptions and expectations still support their success and ease at the expense of others having an equal shot at that same experience.
However, even as my client was telling me this about his wife, I found myself disagreeing with her profoundly - feeling grateful for so many men in my life who are nothing like her negative expectations. Three who came first to mind were my husband, my business partner, and my assistant. Even though they’re very different in some ways – different ages and stages of life; different styles and leisure pursuits; different upbringing and backgrounds – they have core common traits that make them great. All three are honest and honorable men; all three love, admire and respect their wives; all are doing their best to do good work in their lives. Another wonderful quality they all share (all least from my point of view) is that all three of them support me daily; I quite literally would not be able to do what I do without them.
Patrick, my husband, is the love of my life and my deepest ally and forever partner; he is the haven and nest from which I fly. No matter what’s happening around us, good or bad, his love and appreciation for me, and mine for him, are a constant joy and comfort.
Jeff, my Proteus partner, is the engine that grows the company; he takes the things I invent and makes them work on a larger scale. He is invariably honest with me, and cares about me, and stretches me to be more and better. I’m glad every day that we’re in this together.
Dan, my assistant, is a daily treat to work with – so smart, sensible, and flexible. And he has teaming in his bones; it’s how he’s wired. He makes it possible for me to focus on the things that most need my attention day-to-day.
And that’s just the beginning. I feel surrounded by excellent men: my son and my sons-in-law; my brothers; my nephews; the rest of the wonderful Proteus guys; my men friends. And so many great male clients – including six of the twelve “exemplar” leaders I profiled in Leading So People Will Follow.
I’ve always loved this quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald:
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
I aspire to be able to do that: I can recognize that many men still carry unconscious beliefs and expectations that make success harder for women, and at the same time, I can recognize that many men are tremendously supportive, loving and respectful to all the women in their lives.
I can recognize that many girls and women are still being held back by the limiting assumptions of those around them. At the same time, I can recognize that some women hold themselves back by the limiting assumptions they make about themselves, or by blaming their lack of success on men.
As we move further into this century, I hope that we all continue to unwind ourselves from the historical, cultural and personal biases that make it harder for us to thrive and support others to thrive. And one great place to start: being grateful for those people in our lives who love and trust us, and who support us to be our best, and for whom we do the same.
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Check out Erika Andersen’s newest book, Leading So People Will Follow, and discover how to be a followable leader. Booklist called it “a book to read more than once and to consult many times.”
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