6 Things We Can All Learn From 20-Year-Olds

I don't generally like 'long list' posts: e.g., "47 Reasons You Won't Get The Job You Want"; "38 Tips for Managing Up."  Come on, I always think - Summarize!  Find the pattern! No way there are 47 truly separate reasons for anything.

But occasionally I read a list-post where every item on the list actually is unique.  Jason Nazar's 20 Things 20-Year-Olds Don't Get is a great example (and over 4,000,000 Forbes viewers seem to agree with me); I won't even attempt to summarize (as I usually do), other than to say that most of them arise from a simple lack of experience and a youthful sense of immortality. And, having seen each of my 3 kids through his or her 20th birthday within the past handful of years, I also found Jason's '20' very accurate and useful. If you have any kind of consistent interaction with 20-year-olds, either professionally or personally, I highly recommend that you  read this post.

However, his post also sent my thinking in the opposite direction.  It got me reflecting on all the things I learned from my kids and their friends when they were 20.  Because although it's true that age (can) bring wisdom and experience, and that most folks figure out most of the things Jason covered in his post by the time they're 30 - there are ways in which very young people are uniquely inspiring and smart...that we sometimes lose track of as we get older.

Here, then, are the most valuable things I've learned from the 20-year-olds in my life:

Have Fun For No Reason.  When grown-ups talk about having fun, we almost always make an excuse for doing so, e.g.: "I was so burnt out from that last project, I just needed to take a few days off."  or "My wife and I hadn't had a date night in quite a while, so we..."  Young people don't need an excuse: they feel fun is their right.  I'm working on returning to that mindset - the belief that I don't need to justify my fun.  For instance, I'm learning to say (and think), "We're going to Jamaica for a week - it will be great." vs. "I really need a vacation - I've been working 15 hour days for months. We're going to Jamaica for a week so I can unwind and recuperate."

Fall Totally In Love.  Young people are great at falling head over heels in love.  It's easy to observe this phenomenon from our grown-up vantage point, shake our heads, and assume that it's just because they don't know any better. But our more measured, wary, cynical adult approach to relationships sometimes prevents us from experiencing the amazing miracle that is real love. I speak from personal experience.  When my husband and I met 4 years ago (let's just say that we were both way closer to 60 than 20) we were somehow able to channel that 20-year-old willingness to open our hearts completely: we moved in together 10 days after we met, married a year later, and haven't had a bad day since.

Be Willing to Fail Spectacularly. Young people regularly make fools of themselves. But the older we get, the less willing we are to look bad. Sometimes our grown-up caution is a good thing - unnecessary failures waste time and resources.  But if we always focus on minimizing mistakes and damage, we won't take the risks that can change our lives.  My husband is in the process of starting a microbrewery. We both think he has all the essential skills, understanding and resources needed to succeed - but it's not a sure thing, by any means. Like the old adage of "you can't cross a 20-foot gap with two 10-foot jumps," he realizes that he needs to give it 100% of his energy and focus in order to have a shot at making it happen. As adults, we sometimes need to be fully willing to fail in order to truly succeed.

Just Say It.  Young people are seldom either delicate or diplomatic - they tend to just tell the truth as they see it. And though it can backfire, sometimes it's both refreshing and effective. When my first marriage broke up, my 19-year-old son's blunt assessments of me, the situation, and his dad were sometimes hard to hear - but truly bracing and helpful.  One day when I was feeling sorry for myself, he simply said, "Don't wallow." As we get older, we tend to over-engineer our reactions.  I can't tell you how often I've encouraged folks I coach to simply tell their colleagues how they see something, make a clear request for change, or give direct feedback - and what I get in response is some version of, "oh, no, you don't understand - I could never say that."  Sure you could.  Try it.

Be Ferociously Loyal.  I used to get frustrated when my kids couldn't or wouldn't see the shortcomings I saw in their friends.  But I also respected the fact that they'd stick up for those friends no matter what.  The adult version of this:  use your grown-up insight to see your friends and loved ones clearly...but access your inner 20-year-old's BFF capability to fully commit to your friendships, as well.

Get Obsessed.  Twenty-year-olds are perfectly capable of spending day and night doing something they love - and when they're not doing it, talking and tweeting about it to their friends.  Though it can be irritating to everyone around them, this kind of immersion is the best possible way to learn something. As an older adult, reconnecting with that ability to focus deeply and relentlessly on something you enjoy can allow you to keep mastering new skills and capabilities  well past the age when most people think they're done learning.