We've all been there. Something we worked hard for, put a lot of thought and effort into, didn't go the way we'd hoped. A job, a promotion, a raise, assignment to a plum project.
What you do next is critical: response to failure and disappointment is one of the core differences between people who are successful and those who aren't. Here's what successful people do when things head south:
1) Feel what they feel. When disappointing or upsetting things happen, some people get overwhelmed with negative emotions, while others try to avoid those feelings all together. Neither alternative works very well - getting stuck in anger, frustration, sadness, or disappointment can paralyze you, while pretending that you're not feeling anything can have long-term negative effects on your health and mental state. Successful people find the middle path: they feel their feelings and then move through them. I once got some very wise advice from my son about this: I was feeling truly angry about something that had happened to me, and I didn't know how to deal with it. (I rarely get angry - it's not an emotional I've had much experience dealing with. I'm more likely to feel sad or demoralized.) When I told him about it, my son said, "Just feel it, Mom - burn right through it; peace is on the other side." It turned out he was absolutely right: I let myself be as angry as I was - and within a couple of days I was OK, and ready to move on. Often, giving yourself a little time to grieve, or get angry, or feel overwhelmed or demoralized after a defeat is the best first step.
2) Reframe. And the best way to move on, once you've "felt through" the negative feelings surrounding a difficult situation, is to simply think about it differently. I've often discussed self-talk and the power of changing the way you speak to yourself. Managing your self-talk around failure can be the biggest single factor in whether you keep going or give up. Let's say you've been looking for a job, and you find out that someone else has been chosen for a position you were sure you had in the bag. If you say to yourself something like, "I really blew it - I must not have what it takes. I'll never find a job," you'll be much more likely to drown your sorrows in drink than get back on monster.com and start looking again. But if you say, "Wow, I really thought they were going to hire me. That's horribly disappointing. I wonder what I could have done differently?" You'll probably start figuring out your next move.
3) Understand what happened. Which leads to the next step successful people take to come back from failure. Research shows that people who are happier with their lives and feel more successful, also feel that they have more control over the circumstances around them. That is, when things don't go the way they want, they assume they can do something different to change their situation, rather than assuming that change is out of their control. And the first step to changing a disappointing outcome is to get clear about what happened that didn't work. If you can be as objective as possible in reviewing a disappointing situation, you're much more likely to see what you could have done differently, what was beyond your control, and how you can change your approach next time to increase your chances of success.
4) Make a new plan.Once they've gotten clearer about what didn't work, successful people tend to look to the future, and use their new understanding to figure out what to do next. They use what hasn't worked as a building block for future successes. One of my favorite quotes from Thomas
5) Build support. Finally, very few successful people achieve their goals without help from others. It's much easier to feel your feelings, shift your self-talk, reflect accurately and make a new plan when somebody has your back. Having people in your life who believe in you, are honest with you, and will offer their time and effort to support you is hugely helpful. If you don't now have this kind of support in your life, the best way to build it is to provide it to others. Being an honest and supportive friend or colleague tends to elicit honesty and support in response.
The good news about all five of these things is that anyone can do them. In other words, you can come back from failure and disappointment to success by doing the same things that super-achievers do. And if you're already doing any or all of them - please share; your experiences would be both useful and inspiring to us -
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